Home sweet Home

Back from Montreal, it was wonderful to be away, but it was more wonderful to come home.

I missed Gabby dearly, which hampered my ability to truly 100% enjoy myself, but I did. I did adult things, on my own time, at my own pace.

Somewhere is my groove, it just hasn' been found yet.

God bless your boots

Thank you to EVERY single person that has/is serving in the armed forces. Your sacrifice, and selflessness is amazing. Your willingness to put forth your life for mine, is something that I cannot put in to words.

Today isn't just your day, every day is your day, and I am thankful for you.

Lord Jesus!

I have been silently praying to you for years. I try not to question your authority, I accept what you provide, and show me.

Right this minute, I need your hands on my shoulder.

Gabby seems to be feverish, as I was over the weekend. My milk is shitting out, and I think it has to do with the "stress" I am feeling about feeding, and keeping gabby healthy, about Emma and Ethan, about myself, about my relationship with J, and just generalized feelings.

Dare I say a SAHM have stress? I would never have imagined it. But you see, SAHM's worry about all the things that people that work every day don't. Oblivious was I, as a working mom to the things I see, hear and feel today. I understand, that when you say good bye to the job, to stay home with your babies things slow down. But in a parental sense they speed up.

I think mommies in general have unforseen stress, that cannot possibly be imagined by anyone that has not been blessed to be a parent yet.

Great full I am for the opportunity to rear Gabriella. It feels good to know exactly what she needs, and be there to give it to her.

But, I don't feel like I am a good person. I don't feel like I am being a good mom. What am I missing? What is it that I am forgetting? What can I do better? How?

Lost are the days of an itemized schedule, up at 6, breakfast, make-up on, hair curled, kids to school, work bag packed, off to work, catch up on emails, adult conversation, lunch at noon,home at 5, dinner at 6, kids bathed and in bed by 7:30, quiet time for self, indulge in long shower, read a book, fall alseep.

Now my days are spent, in a flury of getting kids fed, to school, diapers, feeding, laundry, dishes, cleaning floors, stressing about adequate foods in the house, while MAYBE getting dressed for the day, MAYBE brushing my hair, if I am lucky getting my teeth brushed. All the while feeling completely inadequate as a mother and a partner. Gone are the days of getting up and looking pretty, and in general feeling good about myself. Now, if I can get one or two things accomplished in a day its "good enough"

NO more wonder woman, she-ra, burning the candle at both ends. Now it's just me, being a mom, the most rewarding job in the universe. And sadly, I feel like I am screwing it all up.

uninspired

To do nothing.

I have dirty dishes in the sink, I have clothes to fold and put away, I have a bed that needs to be made, more laundry to be done, and well this house needs to be cleaned up and I should shower.

I am uninspired.

All the tv is talking about is cancer. CANCER, cancer, cancer. From Good Morning America, to the View, to every damn time you turn around. Lung cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer...OY. It is so sad, such a horrific disease and we can't seem to find a damn cure for it.

The whole damn world is depressing, although the sun is shining. So I guess if I can still think something nice I can consider the glass still half full.

I am uninspired, and I really don't think any of the things I need to get done today will, and that includes showering.

Certainly uncertain

It is seemingly harder these days to unjumble the thoughts in my head. I find that I have come several times to post, and write a few sentences, or stare at the page, just to leave.

I feel in some sort of uncertain panic in regards to getting back out in the work force, staying home, and all the jazz that comes with that.

Naturally, it feels weird to stay home. I have ALWAYS worked. I find many times, that I feel bad because I didn't DO ANYTHING some days. Obviously I like to keep busy, but perhaps it there is more to that? I think I need to stay challenged.

I really would love to find a job that I love. Joining the almost 60% of Americans that are seeking the same thing I am. Self-fulfillment, continuity, self-worth, and obviously a comfortable lifestyle.

Where do you even start searching for something like that? I mean I have, and I wind up getting frustrated by my Internet searches and slam my lap top down.

Does a person really get their dream job? Or do they continue to grasp for more, never feeling that fulfillment that they desire?

I cannot say certainly, that I know my exact dream job. I do know it would be in the travel industry. I love to travel, I love to give advice, and help people decide where to travel, I love seeing new places and discussing them, I love different cultures.

Obviously, the other thing I would do, is something back in law enforcement. Why there? It intrigues me, it keeps my mind fresh, and it is always something new.

Compare the two, and I am still seeking the same sort of things.

In some sort of way, I figure if I devote an hour a day to dedicated search for my line of dream job, and write my findings in a notebook, at some point (hopefully before I die) I will figure it out?

The downside to all of this; living in a rural area. Rural area=no jobs.

It makes everything certainly uncertain.

Tit for Tat

Everything good comes out of nothing.

Nothing good comes easy.

Nothing about nothing.

I need to work, I need my brain to be worked, I need to feel like somebody.

Stupid funk.

Is it the flu?

Low grade temp, and a very upset belly.

A sore throat for a little while yesterday.

No other symptoms.

Emma had a bad belly after school yesterday as well.

I really hope that these are not signs of the flu.